Tuesday, December 31, 2024

Strong enough for tomorrow






I feel like the tyranny of heartbreak has been hovering for weeks. Since our return from Oregon a month ago we have been fighting to save Summer Wynd (Wynn). She has made some improvement each week, but it is painstakingly slow and hope hovers in the balance. She is now on the strongest antibiotics that her body can ostensibly tolerate and it is the first time the swelling and heat have almost dissipated. I pray each day, sometimes almost all day, that I will not have to make the decision to put her down out of mercy. She wakes up with a hearty nicker or five, limps over to me, looks for cookies and then drinks her bowl of aloe vera juice mixed with apple juice. She bucks, kicks, farts, rears, gallops in her tiny little pen and shows nothing but an absolute love of life. And if that didn't already make the awful possibility impossible to consider, there is the heart of the boy/man who loves her beyond measure. He dutifully, wakes every morning at 3:00 to help me give her a breakfast, her juice and then antibiotics. He is infinitely patient with her antics, which are sometimes plentiful, given how cooped up she has been. He watches her, rubs her down, talks to her, and cares for her every need. I have found him standing beside her soaking her mane with his tears. He has wrestled - he is learning the hard lessons that adult manhood is seldom prepared for. He told me, "Mom, I trust in God's plan and I know that I can change nothing. But, sometimes, I struggle with being okay with whatever outcome we have. I love her so much and I just want her to live." I see a strength growing inside him through this awful process and I watch... and learn... and pray... and cry... and hope. 



The strength of this brotherhood is something impossible to define with words. It is marked by intensity, loyalty, comradery and so much love. It is frosted with those little dark irritants of the pestering little brother, bossy older brother, obnoxious third brother and haphazard larks of the second born. 














When I told the boys that Christmas was going to be lean (no gifts) if we chose to treat Wynn, there was no hesitation. The brothers enthusiastically agreed that the best gift would be life for Wynn, and they knew that our odds were not great even if we did treat her. They had the merriest hearts on Christmas day and this was truly one of the most precious and beautiful Christmas days we have ever celebrated. It was marked by simplicity and our little ficus tree in the indoor garden was as perfect as always. The boys surprised me with Christmas lights on the barn and along the inside 3/4 wall in our itty bitty house. I surprised them with homemade cider and their favorite cookies. Kris surprised me with two beautiful homemade candles and the fixings to make more when I use these two up. And, grandparents, friends and extended family ensured that we did not go without gifts entirely. ;-) 





We decided to join our friends Julie and Lucy in creating our own little Christmas special: a fairy house in the woods. :-) It's tucked away where few will find it, but we will know it's there and who knows what little fairies might be up to when we are not looking. 









Declan and I have been taking our horses for walks back in the woods behind our house and it has been a delightful way to share time with him. He is completely in love with Murdock, his little magic horse sent to us from heaven. He now has a harness for him and has purchased a cart which he will be modifying to use for future adventures with his equine. 











I continue to find sustenance and strength in the wild places where I wander. I don't know what 2025 will hold for us; it would be false to say I anticipate it. Life is hard and we live in a broken world. I see suffering all around me. However, I know I will be surprised by joy, overwhelmed by beauty, filled with wonder because life - the living of life - is just that incredible. 





















Goodnight 2024