Friday, January 17, 2025

16 hooves


I took Devany for a long walk. I needed time "alone" to think also to just be. It was freezing cold (literally) but it didn't matter. I stopped and let her graze in several places and it was mesmerizing to see the steam come off of her even though she wasn't sweating; it was merely the contrast between the warmth of her and the cold of the air. On the way home, I hopped on her bareback and her warmth kept me toasty until we arrived home. Devany is a wild creature in her own right, but in that I feel like she reflects me to some degree. I understand her deeply and she is an integral part of who I am. These times when I get to just be with her are precious to me. 

Summer Wynd (Wynn) has turned a pretty incredible corner. I wouldn't say she's totally out of the woods yet, as recurring infection is still a risk at this point, but she has made a remarkable recovery. One week ago I thought we were going to be putting her down when the vet arrived, but after taking x-rays we found hope - abscesses! We were rejoicing for those abscesses because they are treatable! Our hope is that we killed the larger infection around her coffin bone with the 14-day antibiotics and that the abscesses are a secondary issue. Once we were able to get the abscesses to erupt, her lameness dissipated. It was the first time in 7 weeks that she wasn't in excruciating hoof pain. We've been taking her for long walks to help push the infection out of her hoof and she is spicy! All her teenage antics are being expressed fully, but Madigan is a patient and firm teacher. He is starting her training back up and it is much needed! We love her so much and watching her so full of life is magical. 








Kelton has started training Shadowfax again, as well. I had taken over his training because Kelton was intimidated by Shadowfax who kept trying to be dominant and hence a danger. We sent him to a trainer for several weeks and she was able to help remind Shadow that he is not God's gift to the world, with the help of her geldings who put Shadow in his place time and again. Now, Shadow is such a good boy! He follows Kelton along the forest trails like a docile puppy. If he acts up, Kelton is on the ready and quick to react appropriately. I think Kelton is going to have a really nice horse someday. :-) 





And then there's Murdock and his boy. I could watch them together for hours. Murdock absolutely loves Declan and it's quite mutual. He is such a well trained pony and he is doing an excellent job training this boy/man in all the things. Declan takes him for long walks and is in the process of designing the cart he's going to build for Murdock. He got his harness, so now all he needs is the cart! 








Lochlan usually rides Devany on our daily walks and he loves it. I hold these days in my heart and treasure them. 








 

Tuesday, January 14, 2025

Migraines and sunsets

 I have so much cantering through my head - thoughts I know that I need to put into writing so that my boys will know and will remember. Finding the time or the place where I can do so is challenging. As the days get longer it will be (only slightly) easier because I can write in the darkness of the earlier morning hours before everyone has awoken. This beloved one room house of ours lacks one luxury: a quiet place. But, alas... 



This life journey for Lochlan has never ceased to be arduous and with each new season comes unique difficulties. He has been struggling against the unwelcome agitation that sometimes plagues him and makes him want to be non-compliant, reactive or destructive. He's actively fighting to keep himself in check, but when something aggravates him or goes against his will/agenda it's so hard and you can see the struggle boiling inside of him. He has also started having migraine headaches. We don't know the exact cause of the headaches, but it's probably a combination of things, including hormones. Some days they simply make him dysfunctional; other days they lead to vomiting and bed rest. A few weeks ago I started taking him to a chiropractor in town who I really respect. For 5 days after his first minor adjustment Lochlan had no headaches. Then, they started up with a vengeance over Christmas. So, I am taking him twice a week for a couple weeks to get his body used to being in and holding his adjustments. He is also getting cold laser therapy there. His headaches have been almost non-existent for the past 10 days! He is so much more active and light hearted. 





I think the pain - all the pain - makes Lochlan's already arduous journey almost impossible for him at times. I feel like it's my job to find the answers, to alleviate his pain, to give him the path forward and to guide him onto that path in all the ways I don't know how to. To care for his tender heart - that is by far the hardest part. This job doesn't come with a training manual and I am so thankful for the people who have come alongside me to make it possible. Aunt Debbie, Aunt T, Allie, Brooklyn, Lauren and Ron - how I have come to depend upon them! He is reading, spelling, learning math, and writing. And most incredibly, he is speaking words that are understandable! 



On the impossible days, I find my strength and the fortitude to carry on when I wander in the wild places. Sometimes I wander alone and sometimes a boy or two will accompany me. In those times, I'm able to set aside the weight of what I cannot change. I find I actually absorb what is beautiful; it gives me the next step. 














Tuesday, December 31, 2024

Strong enough for tomorrow






I feel like the tyranny of heartbreak has been hovering for weeks. Since our return from Oregon a month ago we have been fighting to save Summer Wynd (Wynn). She has made some improvement each week, but it is painstakingly slow and hope hovers in the balance. She is now on the strongest antibiotics that her body can ostensibly tolerate and it is the first time the swelling and heat have almost dissipated. I pray each day, sometimes almost all day, that I will not have to make the decision to put her down out of mercy. She wakes up with a hearty nicker or five, limps over to me, looks for cookies and then drinks her bowl of aloe vera juice mixed with apple juice. She bucks, kicks, farts, rears, gallops in her tiny little pen and shows nothing but an absolute love of life. And if that didn't already make the awful possibility impossible to consider, there is the heart of the boy/man who loves her beyond measure. He dutifully, wakes every morning at 3:00 to help me give her a breakfast, her juice and then antibiotics. He is infinitely patient with her antics, which are sometimes plentiful, given how cooped up she has been. He watches her, rubs her down, talks to her, and cares for her every need. I have found him standing beside her soaking her mane with his tears. He has wrestled - he is learning the hard lessons that adult manhood is seldom prepared for. He told me, "Mom, I trust in God's plan and I know that I can change nothing. But, sometimes, I struggle with being okay with whatever outcome we have. I love her so much and I just want her to live." I see a strength growing inside him through this awful process and I watch... and learn... and pray... and cry... and hope. 



The strength of this brotherhood is something impossible to define with words. It is marked by intensity, loyalty, comradery and so much love. It is frosted with those little dark irritants of the pestering little brother, bossy older brother, obnoxious third brother and haphazard larks of the second born. 














When I told the boys that Christmas was going to be lean (no gifts) if we chose to treat Wynn, there was no hesitation. The brothers enthusiastically agreed that the best gift would be life for Wynn, and they knew that our odds were not great even if we did treat her. They had the merriest hearts on Christmas day and this was truly one of the most precious and beautiful Christmas days we have ever celebrated. It was marked by simplicity and our little ficus tree in the indoor garden was as perfect as always. The boys surprised me with Christmas lights on the barn and along the inside 3/4 wall in our itty bitty house. I surprised them with homemade cider and their favorite cookies. Kris surprised me with two beautiful homemade candles and the fixings to make more when I use these two up. And, grandparents, friends and extended family ensured that we did not go without gifts entirely. ;-) 





We decided to join our friends Julie and Lucy in creating our own little Christmas special: a fairy house in the woods. :-) It's tucked away where few will find it, but we will know it's there and who knows what little fairies might be up to when we are not looking. 









Declan and I have been taking our horses for walks back in the woods behind our house and it has been a delightful way to share time with him. He is completely in love with Murdock, his little magic horse sent to us from heaven. He now has a harness for him and has purchased a cart which he will be modifying to use for future adventures with his equine. 











I continue to find sustenance and strength in the wild places where I wander. I don't know what 2025 will hold for us; it would be false to say I anticipate it. Life is hard and we live in a broken world. I see suffering all around me. However, I know I will be surprised by joy, overwhelmed by beauty, filled with wonder because life - the living of life - is just that incredible. 





















Goodnight 2024